the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
