so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
