Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
