I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
