I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
