At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
