you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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