OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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