I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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