I will die if light touches me.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
