Got a toothbrush?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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