And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
