yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
