I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
