she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
