My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
