just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
