My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
