o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
