You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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