So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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