dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Let's paint friendship bongs
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
