I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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