i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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