the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
