when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
