Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
