I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
