I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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