I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
