My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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