Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
