We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
