Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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