And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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