I have demons in me.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
