dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
