I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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