when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
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