Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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