I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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