They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
