So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
