my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
