you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
