i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
