I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
