this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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