my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
