I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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