from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
