I cannot find my penis.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
