I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
