u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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