You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
