Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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