someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
