can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
