Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
