Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
