Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
my poor anus
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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