she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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