I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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