Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.