i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
