I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum