I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day